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JIM'S BIG EGO GETS ASS KICKED BY SATAN, CLAIMS VICTORY ANYWAY

JIMS BIG EGO GETS ASS KICKED BY SATAN, CLAIMS VICTORY ANYWAY
What makes the band's achievement all the more impressive is that their victory was claimed in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. By all rights and measures, Satan has thoroughly trounced Jim's Big Ego and made the band his bee-atch.  The band has been raked over coals, dipped in oil, experienced multiple evisarations, and been given a nasty papercut--and those things can smart.  The Devil then pounded the band members' bodies into a pulpy play-doh like subtance and molded them into a pair of giant thong underwear which he then wore to a yoga class.  But being turned into clay and sweated onto Satan's scrotum didn't deter the plucky members of Jim's Big Ego!

"We faced the worst he had to give and still said 'bring it on, bad man!'" crowed lead singer/songwriter, Jim Infantino.  "The Devil stuck us inside every orifice of his body, but we still asked for more!"

"I wish Jim would've stopped asking for more," bassist Jesse Flack said, "but then again, that's what allowed us to win...I guess.  I'm really not sure I understand how we won."

Drummer Dan Cantor said "To tell you the truth, the whole thing was kinda bawdy for my tastes.  I thought we were just going to have to beat him at chess or something, but no, apparently I confused the Devil with the Grim Reaper.  Well so what, it's a simple mistake!  I certainly didn't deserve to be treated all that badly. It was just like--remember during the trash compactor scene when Luke got dragged under into that turdy, putrid water?  Well instead of that imagine that he had every bone of his body broken and then was stuffed inside the devil's ass!  Still, it's a good thing we won.  I bet he'll think twice before he's evil again."

While certain in their victory, Jim's Big Ego is reluctant to predict how the impending peace talks will play out.  "We'd really like to involve the UN in this one," Flack said.  "'Cause first of all, that whole thong deal was totally a violation of the Geneva Convention.  And secondly, please don't make me go back there--especially not with Jim.  He's crazy."

When reached for comment Lucifer Morningstar said "I don't understand it--I completely destroyed those guys.  I mean I ATE THEIR SOULS!  Their souls are here, right now, inside of me.  How can they call that a victory?  And what are you doing interviewing me for a press release anyway?  Get out of my office!"

Jim's Big Ego plans to kick off their new tour, "Kickin' Satan's Tail" just as soon as the band gets their souls back.
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•Mr R.G. - Sippin on a cool Pia Colada, Sunny Ft. Lauderdale, FL - just this side of Hell.

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Jim's Big Ego Launches Full Scale Attack on Satan

Jims Big Ego Launches Full Scale Attack on Satan
The operation officially began earlier this week in an unspecified ethereal plane beyond our realm of existence.  This is the first military action for the Boston-based UnPop trio that is more widely known for its infectious songs and smart lyrics than for battling evil. "Although," as lead singer-songwriter Jim Infantino explains, its not really as much of a deviation from our past work as you would think. Jims Big Ego has always been anti-Satan even though this may be the first time we've ever tried to engage him directly in battle.

Chiming in his support, drummer Dan Cantor added, "Satan is just a really really really bad guy. Everyone knows he's a bastard. He's had this coming."

The band has also taken a stand against the Lord of Darkness in the past, dedicating their 1998 album "Don't Get Smart" to "the cherubim and seraphim who battled against Lucifer and his forces in the war between heaven and hell before the dawn of time." They spoke back then of launching their own war on Satan, "Because we just hate that guy. Bite me, Lucifer."

This battle, however, follows many months of Infantinos failed attempt to gain total support among the Jim's Big Ego community. "At first we wanted to record a song called 'Hey there, Satan, We're Gonna Go Down to Hell and Kick Your Devil Ass, You Stupid Ass - Yeah.'  I was especially proud of that tune, it was the mother of all songs." But then Infantino's efforts met with vast opposition when bassist Jesse Flack threatened to veto that song and any song that expressed the intention of kicking the devil's ass.

"Religions worldwide have been trying to defeat evil for centuries," Flack said.  "Wouldn't it be disrespectful to the world and other-worldly communities if we just went down there and did it unilaterally?"

Rebutting Flack's statement, Infantino said, "We wouldn't be acting unilaterally, there are three of us, you un-anti-satan-iotic traitor!" Although these diplomatic efforts failed, they provide a strong indicator to the probable approach Jim's Big Ego will take to their Showdown with Satan. "We're gonna go kick the devil's ass," Infantino said. "How hard can that be?"

At last reports Jim's Big Ego was surrounded by a host of demons wielding flaming swords.  But Infantino remained undaunted. "Just wait until we start bombing their capital city, Dis," he said. "Once they start seeing explosions and fires in the middle of Hell, they'll be bound to give up quick."

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Mr. R.G.  Dante's Motel & Cafe - 12 Arrondisment, Circle 1, Hell.

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